Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Bathtub derby time!

Yesterday, Columbus Park played host to the 10th Annual Charity Bathtub Derby!


Never heard of it? Missed the first nine derbies? That's probably because it only takes place on
The Big C, starring Laura Linney.

I didn't actually see them run the derby, but an extra left their script lying around, and if you promise not to tell anybody, I'll fill you in on what happens in this scene!


EXT. - DOWNTOWN PARK - DAY

A crowd of locals mills around, enjoying a fine summer day while they await the start of the bathtub derby. The derby drivers sit anxiously in their bathtubs. Their assistants line up behind them and push the tubs into position at the starting line.

RACE STARTER
Racers ready?

They all nod their heads.

RACE STARTER

Judges ready?

The judges - local TV host GARY BLEACHTEETH, former major leaguer STEVE SAX, and Miss Junior Connecticut 1962 MARY BETH JENKINS - give the starter a thumbs-up.

RACE STARTER

On your marks...get set...GO!!

The racers release their handbrakes, and their bathtubs begin rolling downhill. The "pirate ship" takes an early lead, but then "shower cap guy" catches up. Coming down the home stretch, they're nose-to-nose, but out of nowhere comes "Grand Slam"! The driver is smiling from ear to ear as his victory seems assured, until --

Chaos ensues as CHERRY TREE PROTESTORS, FORMER TOPIX COMMENTERS, and JERRY SPRINGER GUESTS descend on the track.

Some bathtubs crash, while others are overturned by the angry mob. Curley's Diner goes up in flames. The police move in and try to restore order, but to no avail.

Then, BOBBY VALENTINE emerges from his restaurant, bat in hand, looking resplendent in his Chiba Lotte Marines uniform. He wades into the crowd, clobbering morons screaming about "Malloy River Park" and "mini-Manhattan."

BOBBY V.

Stamford...(swat!)...is...(bonk!)...a...(crack!)...city! Deal with it!



That's all I could read without risking the wrath of an angry P.A. I guess we'll all have to tune in to the show to see what happens next!

"Don't mess with my town."

3 comments:

StamfordNotes said...

Wow! Great post, cover story boy! *insert jealous smirk*

Stamford Talk said...

OMG did you seriously find a script or is that humor that I am not getting because I work with kids all day?

Streets of Stamford said...

ST, you are too funny! I'm flattered that you mistook my amateurish writing for a real TV script. :)